Life is Harder Than I Thought
No encouragement, really. Just solidarity.
Hey, it’s okay if life has been harder than you thought.
This week ended on a rough note for me emotionally and mentally. Maybe the end of another year is making me reflective, but I was thinking deeply about my life, and the only way I can describe how I feel is deeply confused and disappointed.
Don’t get me wrong—I have so much to be grateful for. I know it so well. I say, “thank you” in my mind about 600 times daily. But some big areas of my life have not at all turned out the way I had imagined or hoped—to the point where it’s even hard to look at photos of myself from several years ago because I’m embarrassed about (and jealous of) the amount of hope I had for things that still haven’t come to pass.
I thought that my years of hard work would’ve paid off and I’d be further into my career dreams, but I’m not. I thought this was a calling. I thought it would come more naturally. But I’m nowhere near where I had hoped.
I thought I’d have peace about when to expand our family and try for baby number two, but I don’t. Questions of our capacity and doing sleepless newborn life again and more transition in a season that’s already held more change than we’re comfortable with rise to the surface. In my heart, I really want more kids, but I feel confused, scared, and inadequate.
I thought that some bad experiences and mixed feelings about church would’ve healed by now so I wouldn’t have a stomachache every Sunday wondering why we’re either just at home alone or sitting silently in chairs at a random church increasing our sadness and anger. I thought God would’ve come through on some of His promises around church and our faith that He made when Josiah and I first got married. But I’m not healed. And it feels like He hasn’t come through. And I still long for the life and faith my 19-year-old self fully believed was possible.
I thought these things would be way easier. Heal much quicker. Happen more naturally. Come to fruition faster. But they’re so much harder than I thought.
Do you feel this, too?
I’d love to offer you some beautiful piece of advice that wraps our adversities up with a pretty bow and gives them all meaning. I’d love to say that these hardships are teaching us valuable lessons or that God’s in control or that things will work out in the end.
But I can’t. To do so while I’m still in the thick of some unmet dreams and goals myself would just be inauthentic. I don’t know if it will be okay. I hope so. And part of me is still fighting to believe it will be. But I can offer solidarity and be someone here in the thick of it saying, “yeah, this is way harder than we thought, isn’t it?”.
I can say that I think this is normal—not fun, not beautiful, not rewarding—but a part of being human.
It’s not your fault. You’re not doing everything wrong and messing up your life. It’s not all on your shoulders.
Maybe things that matter just take time. And I really hope we’ll all have beautiful stories to tell at the end of this.
If I do have one piece of advice, it’s to keep going. Honestly, I’m not at the end of the story either, so I might be leading you off a cliff.
But moving forward and doing the next right thing seems like the best option for disappointed people. All I know is that moving forward seems to be a hope-generator. But not in the sense that every step that you take will succeed or offer complete respite from your suffering—it’s more like investing in the stock market over time (assuming, for the sake of this analogy, that it works as it should and you make money over time🙃).
When you’re zoomed in, you see ebbs and flows, successes and failures. It’s kind of a scary rollercoaster. But when you zoom out, you see that all of your bold moves are worth it in the long run. You’re slowly getting closer to where you want to end up.
Small step. Create hope.
Another try. Setback.
Keep believing. Renewed hope.
Again. Increased anticipation.
Keep going. Failure.
Get up and try again. New confidence.
Another bold step. Disappointment.
Keep going, tired and scared. More clarity.
Step again. Now you’re further along than you thought.
I don’t know why it’s so hard. I hate that it is. But I just want you to know that it’s okay if you’re not where you thought you’d be. And it’s okay to keep going in spite of that.
I’m in it with you. I wish we didn’t have to feel this way, but I’m glad we get to do it together.
Book Progress
Okay, this is one little area of my life that I am pretty excited about right now. I’m not where I thought I’d be in my creative/career dreams, but I’m trying my best to move forward in hope anyway.
I invited a friend into my dream, and I’m kicking myself for not doing it sooner. Rebecca not only helped me outline my entire book in 2.5 hours, but she gave it new life. Sharing my dream with her reignited my excitement for it and gave me a sense of legitimacy I was lacking.
Moral of the story: invite a trusted friend into your dreams, even if they don’t share the same ones, and run with each other. It’s scary to be vulnerable, but that’s what friends are for.
I can finally keep writing now! (I actually sat down and finished an entire chapter on Sunday!) Yippee for encouraging friends!
Five Faves
(Okay, I know this is a sharp turn from the heaviness of this week’s newsletter, but maybe that means these little glimmers of joy are especially needed this week.)
Beautiful Resistance by Jon Tyson. I just started listening to this book on Audible yesterday, so I’m only on chapter 1. But so far, he seems to be speaking right to me—someone who’s trying to figure out how to keep believing in and living out a faith that feels dead and ugly and gritty and that’s represented so poorly in our world today. I’ll let you know how I like it as I keep reading. But if this is where you’re at, it might encourage you, too.
‘Tis the season, so I’ve been drinking a homemade peppermint mocha every day (sometimes twice). I made my own peppermint syrup, and it’s SO easy. All you need in addition is your milk, espresso, and about a tablespoon of cocoa powder. I’ve also been meaning to crush up some candy canes and throw those on top, too. So cozy and comforting.
Frosting Christmas cookies. If you don’t want to make cookies from scratch, try my lazy man’s version and just add frosting & sprinkles to some store-bought take-and-bake cookies. (Yesterday, Greta and I added some of the peppermint syrup to vanilla frosting and put it on top of Sweet Loren’s Fudgy Brownie cookies. Chocolate peppermint cookies. So good.)
There are so many new feel-good Christmas movies this year! Genie on Peacock, Family Switch on Netflix, Candy Cane Lane on Amazon Prime Video (stars Eddie Murphy and feels like a Christmas movie that would’ve come out in 2005, so I love it).
This song (Dream On by Ben Rector). My friend sent it to me this week. It’s light and encouraging but also deep and meaningful for people in the middle of unreached, seemingly hopeless dreams.
Tired, fearfully believing, and taking the next baby step with you,
Sarah