Who Am I Becoming?
How our habits form us
Maybe it’s because I’ve been heartily consuming every page of John Mark Comer’s new book, or because I’ve been bravely trying (i.e. fumbling over) several new things over the past few weeks (read: exercising four times a week, revising my first-ever book, and playing pickleball)—but I’ve been thinking a lot about who I am becoming.
Slowly, over time, consciously or unconsciously, who am I becoming?
And in asking that question, I’ve been thinking more and more about how I’m being formed—by the choices I make, the conversations I have, the media I consume, the risks I take, the people I know, etc.
Because I’m realizing that even more important than asking the question, “Is this [activity, conversation, person, story, etc.] making my life better or worse?” is “Who is this [practice, media, habit, thought, etc.] forming me into?”
For example, more than just making my life more beautiful, motherhood is forming me into a woman who’s kinder, more patient, less hurried, more present, and more intentional. Mothering requires a selflessness that I’m pushed to grow in each day.
Committing to a workout routine has also been forming me. More than just giving me energy for my days and being a consistent self-care practice, my routine of exercising four times a week is forming me into a person who’s disciplined, consistent, and strong.
My prayer life is also forming me (in my opinion, in the biggest and most important ways). Staying close to God throughout my days forms me into a person who (slowly and imperfectly) looks more like Jesus.
These practices are forming me into the woman I want—and was made—to be. Each iteration of each practice makes me more and more human.
On the other hand, I’ve also realized I tend to engage in practices that deform me—that make me less human and drive me away from the vision of life I deeply desire.
For me (you may have a different experience), scrolling on social media forms me into a person who’s impatient, jealous, angry, irritable, confused, and self-centered.
Only hanging out with people who look like me and believe the same things as me forms me into someone who’s narrow-minded, arrogant, and callous.
Dwelling on past hurts and mistakes without seeing them in light of forgiveness and grace forms me into a person who’s bitter, angry, self-conscious, and prideful.
In whatever I do, I am being formed.
***
Yesterday, I opened my book manuscript document to read through the first few chapters and begin revising for the first time.
I wish I could say the process was seamless and exciting, but it wasn’t. As I read my own words, I was disappointed. Voices of self-doubt and criticism reigned in my mind. I sat and sobbed. I couldn’t believe the thing I had been working on for almost a year was so subpar—or worse, just plain bad.
I nitpicked and criticized my ugly sentence structure and poor word choice. I questioned the examples and the organization. I wanted to give up and scrap it all right then and there.
But then, I decided to take my own advice (that’s a thread throughout the book), and I came back to my “why.”
Why am I writing this? Why is it important that I continue in the face of obstacles like self-doubt and frustration?
My original “why” when I started to write the book was to inspire even just one person with the message that they can cultivate their dreams in the middle of their everyday life.
But as I’ve been writing over the past nine months, another “why” has creeped up and surprised me.
Writing this book is changing me.
Taking the risk to do something I’ve never done before, not knowing at all if I’m capable of doing it or how it will turn out—has formed me.
This book has formed me into someone who’s consistent—who can set a goal and stick to it. It’s formed me into someone who’s brave—who knows the risks and keeps going anyway. It’s formed me into someone who relies on God—who can give it my all but trust that the results are not in my hands.
Overall, writing this book has made me more human.
So for that reason, even if no one ever buys it, I’ll continue on. Because the goal is not to write a perfect book that impresses people. No matter the outcome, taking the risk for this dream is forming me into the person I want to be. And for that, I gratefully keep going.
Book Progress
Speaking of writing the book…after taking a little break from book stuff as my editors (aka friends) have edited the first three chapters, I’m onto revising it myself! Eek! It’s felt vulnerable to release the book into my friends’ hands and ask for their feedback, but it’s been wildly helpful and I’m so thankful for their support and direction.
As I revise and start to finalize sections and ideas, I’d love your feedback. I want to know:
I’d love to get as many answers as possible to 1) guide my revision process and 2) narrow down options for the subtitle of the book!
Thanks in advance for your help! Your feedback is so valuable.
Three Faves
This pickleball set from Target! I’m no expert, but I know these are so cute and that’s all that matters. I can’t wait to play more as the weather warms up!
Weeknight plans. I always forget to make them (read: Josiah and I are usually both running on empty by the end of the day). But when we do make plans with friends or go to the park or try a new restaurant on a weeknight, it’s like an extra little weekend. It feels so refreshing and reorienting in the middle of a long week. My weeknight plan this week is a little album release sleepover with my friend on Thursday night! Because all’s fair in love and poetry, am I right…😏
This book. If you liked these thoughts about formation, I think you’ll love this book. I’m almost done reading it with a group, and I can’t wait to finish it. I’m honestly considering leading another book club around it because it’s so good and important. (Wanna join!?)
Thanks as always for reading my words and supporting my work. Can’t wait to keep growing with you.
Sarah